my opus, pure gold baby

photography diary

overcaffeinated

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And I cry sometimes when I’m lyin’ in bed
Just to get it all out, what’s in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
// 4 Non Blondes “What’s up”

I think I’m a better person when caffeinated. Like, don’t talk to me unless I’ve had a cup of coffee beforehand. I’m probably plotting your murder.

I don’t want to do this anymore. Seriously, As You Like It makes me wanna fucking cry. It is such a shallow play and I can’t argue anything deep or meaningful because there ain’t nothing deep or meaningful in that play. Ugh.
But my English exam is next Monday and they can ask for literally any aspect of belonging so I need to have like 5 or so paragraphs prepared and then just hope for the best.
I don’t get how they expect us to do this shit without just regurgitating preprepared paragraphs.

These photos are so unrelated to what I’m saying. Whatever. I can’t concentrate.

sucré

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I have a slight addiction to filters.
Today’s adventure:
Detour after tutoring to pick up the daughter of my mum’s friend whose car had broken down.
1 1/2 hours of small talk later, her mum arrives, they leave and I’m left with my textbooks and a stack of work to get done.
I can’t wait for the holidays.

Tous les filles et les garçons

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Comme les garçons et les filles de mon âge
Connaîtrais-je bientôt ce qu’est l’amour?
Comme les garçons et les filles de mon âge
Je me demande quand viendra le jour
// Françoise Hardy “Tous les Garçons et les Filles”

I always have so many feelings after watching dramas. Currently watching The Heirs and every episode makes me want to cry.
It’s a funny thing, me and Korean dramas (just Asian dramas in general). Honestly, I used to think they were stupid and refused to watch anything that involved a plot line involving lovers and cancer. Or a car crash followed by amnesia.
I’m not a romantic. I don’t believe in love-at-first-sight. I don’t believe in a soul mate or anything along those lines.
And I think that’s why I hated those cheesy romance dramas vehemently.
My thoughts on girls who did believe in love, who wanted to believe in romance were perhaps more condescending than was fair. I mean, I don’t know if there are any girls who fall into that category, and I roped those who fell for the film industry’s portrayal of these things into that category. I thought they were naïve, and irrational, and just stupid and blind to the world in general.
And I was adamant that I would never conform to that stereotype. So I rejected Asian dramas (they were the worst offenders) altogether.
Now, in retrospect, I don’t understand why I attempted to adopt a stoicism that wasn’t really me. If anything has changed over the past few years, I think it has been the fact that I have become more willing to accept that I have emotions, and that I’m not as emotionally stable as I thought (although mind you, I cry over maths more than I do over boys).
And what’s more is that my days are being increasingly taken with a fascination and longing ache for what could have been. I find myself questioning why my teenage years weren’t filled with the excitement that had been prematurely promised by the TV shows and books that I had read at 13 and 14. Why I never had a rebellious phase, or did things that I would regret but still back on with a wistful nostalgia.
But sometimes it’s the simple pleasures that I miss the most. In my cynicism, I had overlooked the fact that maybe those maybe people watched these dramas because the cute things the leads did for each other weren’t just an over exaggeration on the film industry’s part, but a beacon of hope for potential happiness. That maybe these plot lines exist to show what could be and not what is. That they were an escape into a world of idealism where one could forget the menial boredom of ordinary life.
And that no longer sounds like a bad thing, really.
In fact, I write this as a warning for any future fangirl moments.

x J

PS. I kind of went off track and forgot what I was originally gonna say.

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let’s get out of this town

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Let’s get out of this town
Baby we’re on fire
Everyone else around here seems to be going down, down
If you stick with me, I can take you higher, and higher
Feels like all of our friends are lost
And nobody’s found, found
// Lana del Rey “Lucky Ones”

Wasting time, as per usual. The light was nice yesterday.

goodbye love

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To days of inspiration, playing hooky, making something out of nothing
The need to express, to communicate
The going against the grain, the going insane, the going mad
\\ “La Vie Boheme” from Rent

One of my fave movies/musicals ever.

Don’t ask me why I look so annoyed in the photos. That’s just my face.
Besides, these were taken a while ago. Right now, I’m actually quite content. Wednesdays are only a half day of school for me, and I can leave at 12.
Oh, and our grades finally christened the Year 12 study as our own. Now I’m wondering what glorious lunches I could have since there is a fridge and microwave. Must stock up on frozen meals.
I feel like getting my cartilage pierced, and a scaffold piercing’s quite appealing at this point in time. Or maybe just several single piercings along the top/middle. I have such random urges.

we can be heroes

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We can be heroes, just for one day // David Bowie “Heroes”

Currently sitting here feeling rather nostalgic. These photos were taken last summer, and even though last summer sucked in terms of the weather (felt like Australia had turned into Britain momentarily), I find myself longing for those warm, hazy days where the days stretch into the evenings. For the hot sun, and pretty sunsets, and to feel like we had all the time in the world, because it was the holidays and all that mattered was keeping cool, and trying new drinks, and going out, and watching movies and finding new songs to live by.
Right now, it’s so far off my ideal summer … I have four more weeks of school, two more weeks before my first lot of Yr12 exams (3 of which are maths and are killing me), and crappy weather.
It’s so cold, but I just had a Magnum.
Oh yeah, and I’m obsessed with this song “Heroes” by David Bowie. I find myself increasingly drawn towards 80s/90s angsty, sad rock music (though I also like Miley Cyrus, so I’m kind of having an identity crisis at the moment). Plus this was on the Perks of Being a Wallflower soundtrack, and both the book and movie are on my all time favourites list.

On that note, I’m off to write essays for both English and Extension English.
Au revoir mes chers xx

PS. These photos were taken on a brick phone camera. Not too bad, eh?

mono

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porcelain are you wasting away in your skin // Red Hot Chilli Peppers “Porcelain”

From when we made a petrol stop a few days ago.
I don’t know how I feel about long nails. But they certainly look better than when I used to bite them.
Having an angst moment. I don’t know what to feel anymore, to be honest. School’s taking over my life.
Oh wait, I have no life for this next year.

twice as nice

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just close your eyes and make believe
i am happy to deceive you // Paloma Faith “Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful?”

some pictures of the drive home. Suburbia can be quite pretty. I feel like getting out more and taking pictures.

californication

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Dream of silver screen quotations
And if you want these kinds of dreams
It’s Californication
// Red Hot Chilli Peppers “Californication”

Why can’t I bring myself to do my work?
It scares me that I have such little willpower.