Tous les filles et les garçons


Comme les garçons et les filles de mon âge
Connaîtrais-je bientôt ce qu’est l’amour?
Comme les garçons et les filles de mon âge
Je me demande quand viendra le jour
// Françoise Hardy “Tous les Garçons et les Filles”

I always have so many feelings after watching dramas. Currently watching The Heirs and every episode makes me want to cry.
It’s a funny thing, me and Korean dramas (just Asian dramas in general). Honestly, I used to think they were stupid and refused to watch anything that involved a plot line involving lovers and cancer. Or a car crash followed by amnesia.
I’m not a romantic. I don’t believe in love-at-first-sight. I don’t believe in a soul mate or anything along those lines.
And I think that’s why I hated those cheesy romance dramas vehemently.
My thoughts on girls who did believe in love, who wanted to believe in romance were perhaps more condescending than was fair. I mean, I don’t know if there are any girls who fall into that category, and I roped those who fell for the film industry’s portrayal of these things into that category. I thought they were naïve, and irrational, and just stupid and blind to the world in general.
And I was adamant that I would never conform to that stereotype. So I rejected Asian dramas (they were the worst offenders) altogether.
Now, in retrospect, I don’t understand why I attempted to adopt a stoicism that wasn’t really me. If anything has changed over the past few years, I think it has been the fact that I have become more willing to accept that I have emotions, and that I’m not as emotionally stable as I thought (although mind you, I cry over maths more than I do over boys).
And what’s more is that my days are being increasingly taken with a fascination and longing ache for what could have been. I find myself questioning why my teenage years weren’t filled with the excitement that had been prematurely promised by the TV shows and books that I had read at 13 and 14. Why I never had a rebellious phase, or did things that I would regret but still back on with a wistful nostalgia.
But sometimes it’s the simple pleasures that I miss the most. In my cynicism, I had overlooked the fact that maybe those maybe people watched these dramas because the cute things the leads did for each other weren’t just an over exaggeration on the film industry’s part, but a beacon of hope for potential happiness. That maybe these plot lines exist to show what could be and not what is. That they were an escape into a world of idealism where one could forget the menial boredom of ordinary life.
And that no longer sounds like a bad thing, really.
In fact, I write this as a warning for any future fangirl moments.

x J

PS. I kind of went off track and forgot what I was originally gonna say.